my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
