This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
