i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
