youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
