my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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