I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
