i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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