is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize