He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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