I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
