my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
