Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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