Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
