watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
did i just pee glitter
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize