i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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