Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
