Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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