you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
