So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
