There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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