1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
smell my finger.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize