Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize