Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
