I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
