i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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