I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
