I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
