I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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