So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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