Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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