____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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