i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
