Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
