i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What a dumb baby whore.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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