look no pants
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
