jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize