My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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