Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
did you just send me my own nude
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
