He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sext me about skeletons
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
