My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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