I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
