apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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