I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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