I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
