I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
