I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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