Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
