my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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