someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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