you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
