Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
