At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
