I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize