Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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