She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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