Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
