Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
