What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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