so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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