So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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