i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
