he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
